We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
