You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
