Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
