Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
