Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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