NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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