Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
