people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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