wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
