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Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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