If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
