Do you still have your period?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
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