Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
