i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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