can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
