i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
