hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
