DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
my sisters under your porch take her home
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
