In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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