went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
