take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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