A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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