forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
