I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize