he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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