She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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