remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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