Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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