I was born with a shot glass in my hand
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
