I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
