so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
