I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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