what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
