You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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