He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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