I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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