did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
