I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize