By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
It's never too late to be topless.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
