Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize