How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
