piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
