I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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