I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
