I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
