You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
