This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
