Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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