let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i was born a porn star she said
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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