Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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