He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
