Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
