the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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