Your mouth is God's brothel.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
