so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
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