Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
