She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
