My hand turned me down
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
