'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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