when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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